I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
