finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
