So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
