Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
