you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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