I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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