Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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