I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
