I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
and you fell through a lawn chair
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
