You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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