Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I think your dad took our porno
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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