I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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