I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
