i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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