A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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