Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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