How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
