I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
True strength comes from lack of pants
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
