would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
