Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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