I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
