My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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