I cockslap morals
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
