Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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