I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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