oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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