new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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