I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
