That's intense
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
