I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
