I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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