getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
