My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
