Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
