i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
