I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
