like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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