I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
