this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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