Please, let me fuck your mom
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
