So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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