Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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