I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
