I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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