My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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