I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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