Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
