I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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