I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Dick very happy bro
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