last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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