I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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