Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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