Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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